Hockeyhead

How can Detroit win the Stanley Cup if they can’t even win on the road?  Pittsburgh has got one more shot at the unenviable task of putting up a win in the others team’s barn.  I can’t think of a more fitting end to the 2009 Stanley Cup Final than a road victory by the younger more exciting, Hossa-free Pens.  Pittsburgh’s secondary guys came up big on offense and Marc-Andre Fleury made a couple of the biggest saves of the playoffs to fend of Detroit 2-1 and force a seventh game.

For the first time in this year’s Final I took the opportunity to flip between CBC’s Canadian coverage and NBC’s presentation of the game.  It’s funny when you can hear the excitement in Jim Hughson’s voice when Crosby and Malkin take to the ice together for an early first period man advantage, then with a flip to NBC you can be notified by some dickhead that “this power-play is brought to you by Bud Light”.  NBC’s coverage was several seconds behind the CBC feed, probably in case a young lady in the crowd got excited and decided to flash a titty.

Other than the incessant amplified glass-pounding by some goddamn animal last night, we were treated to the most entertaining game of the series.  Everything changes when the Cup is in the arena.  I poke a lot of fun at the Red Wings here, but in real-life it’s hard not to respect what that franchise has accomplished over the last decade and a half.  It’s time to pass the torch you fuckers.

(bumps to Stoeten for digging up the video)

Question:  Where is the best place to find 18-year old boys inserting stiff 8″ tubes into their mouth so that they can blow them?

Answer:  Why that would be the NHL Draft Combine of course.

TSN has been blogging the NHL’s draft combine all day, so if you want to know how many sit-ups John Tavares can do (46), or how Evander Kane fares on the bench press (17 reps) then you can go take a read for yourself.  We’re just going to take a look at some pictures here.

These pictures from past combines sure leave a lot to the imagination.  Is somebody stealing shirts at these things?  Christ, there’s not a shirt in sight on any of these boys.

What in the name of masculinity does the NHL plan to do with these co-eds prospects?

Let’s have a look:

I don’t know what Steven Stamkos did at last year’s combine, but it must have been pretty bad to be sent to the corner to play with big balls:

Andy fucking Samberg attended the combine to show the boys how to properly blow some pipe:

Oh sweet Jesus, that’s Drew Doughty being ravaged by that fuck machine:

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Finally, someone has come out and implicated NHL players with the use of performance enhancing drugs.  Gary Bettman has always blatantly brushed off any questions involving the NHL and PED use for years (beer maybe, but nothing illegal).  He’s so confident in his claims, that he feels there is no need to test players in the post-season .

Think again Gary, you prick.  The players are bigger now than they ever were, they fight more, and how else can men over the age of 35 endure the hectic travel schedule and physical grind of the modern NHL?  Drugs, that’s how.  Don’t give us any shit about some tireless work ethic either.

The NHL was quick to respond to reports that two steroid dealers arrested in Florida who claim to have sold steroids to both the Washington Nationals and Washington Capitals.  Deputy Commissioner Bill Daly released a statement concerning the reports , stating that:

The Washington Capitals have no knowledge of any aspect of this allegation. Capitals players were subjected to no-notice testing five separate times over the past two seasons pursuant to the terms of the Collective Bargaining Agreement and there was no indication of any improper conduct or wrongdoing.”

Well of course the club has no knowledge of any aspects of the allegations, we’ve heard that before from baseball teams.  It’s not the team’s duty to know what their players may or may not be injecting into their asses in bathroom stalls.  Wake the fuck up and take this seriously.   I can’t think of any sport that openly embraces the side effects of ‘roid rage more openly than hockey.  That’s not a shot at the game either, I love the rough stuff and the scraps, but there’s room for an argument there.

The NHL has two options here: they can choose to face this head-on, even if that means outing some of their superstars as cheaters (there’s some pretty big names on the Caps) or, they can choose to continue being complete fucking idiots and deny that there is a problem.

Let’s be straight about this, I loved Craig MacTavish.  Serious hard man-crush going on there.

MacTavish never stopped demanding the most out of his players, he just lost the touch for actually getting it out of them.

Oilers’ fans felt a collective pecker-flutter today when it was announced that Pat Quinn and Tom Renney were named head coach and associate head coach.  The first thing I thought was how cool it would be for them to wear masks and create confusion throughout the game, so that they could fool their opponents and the referees in order to win.  Just like the Killer Bees.

From TSN today:

Sources tell TSN, both Quinn and Renney agreed to 3-year contracts with an unwritten understanding, assuming all parties remain employed at the end of their contracts, Renney will have an opportunity to take over as head coach if Quinn retires.  Kelly Buchberger, who was an assistant coach with the Oilers last season is remaining on the bench.”

Having Buchberger back is a good move, he’s a fucking lunatic.  No one on that team would get too far out of line with a guy crazy enough to wear an ugly bucket like that for his whole career.

Pat Quinn has had nothing but success since he dropped off the NHL head coaching map.  I don’t really give a shit about him though, he’s more there to ‘conduct’ and for the name value.  Renney is the money-shot in this group of dicks.  Coaching in New York, pfft, that’s just a test of mental stability. Renney was built for winning, nothing could have helped that expensive mess in New York.  Not even Sean Avery.

As for MacTavish, I know he’ll land on his feet somewhere.  It won’t be the same though.

The third goal of Malkin’s hat-trick is worth a second look of its own, but for now we’ll settle for a second glance at all three.

And now for some toughness:  Miroslav Satan gives Patrick Eaves a knuckle-sandwich.  Eaves was a Senator, that may explain his severe lack of testicular fortitude.

Maybe he’ll be able to see how much of a pussy he has become.  I’m kidding.  Great news that Danny Briere had successful eye surgery, now, if they could just find him a pair testicles.

The NHL really believes that they don’t have a problem with performance-enhancing drugs, so much so that they don’t even test during the playoffs.  Obviously, if a player wanted a boost they would only look to do so during the regular season.  Yeah, okay.  I love baseball even though it’s shameful how so many players have soiled the legacy of the game by cheating.  At least they are put in a position to get caught though.

With that said, I also believe that reputed cheaters like Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa belong in the Hall of Fame because they played in an era where cheating was all but condoned.  Don’t get me started on Pete Rose, if it were up to me I’d not only reinstate him, I’d make him the fucking curator of the Hall.  Enough about baseball though, we need to take a look at Rick Tocchet!

Rick Tocchet finished his career just 48 points short of 1000, but he compiled the penalty minutes of ten regular men with a whopping 2972.  When Tocchet was in his prime you would have been crazy to have gotten on his bad side.  That’s why he’ll probably end up being a decent coach.

The Tampa Bay Lightning rewarded Tocchet with a 2-year deal to remain head coach of their club.  How is it that in baseball, perhaps the greatest hitter to ever play the game can’t even get a seat in Cooperstown because he placed a few bets yet in hockey, a former player turned assistant coach that plead guilty to conspiracy and promoting gambling can get a full-time gig as a head coach?  If I were a criminal with a shred of athletic ability, I’d be concentrating most of it on hockey.

Tocchet of course took over as head coach of the Lightning last November 16, after Barry Melrose was relieved as his duties.  Barry Melrose now looks like this:

Knuckle-bumps to Deadspin for the photo.