Hockeyhead

Question:  Where is the best place to find 18-year old boys inserting stiff 8″ tubes into their mouth so that they can blow them?

Answer:  Why that would be the NHL Draft Combine of course.

TSN has been blogging the NHL’s draft combine all day, so if you want to know how many sit-ups John Tavares can do (46), or how Evander Kane fares on the bench press (17 reps) then you can go take a read for yourself.  We’re just going to take a look at some pictures here.

These pictures from past combines sure leave a lot to the imagination.  Is somebody stealing shirts at these things?  Christ, there’s not a shirt in sight on any of these boys.

What in the name of masculinity does the NHL plan to do with these co-eds prospects?

Let’s have a look:

I don’t know what Steven Stamkos did at last year’s combine, but it must have been pretty bad to be sent to the corner to play with big balls:

Andy fucking Samberg attended the combine to show the boys how to properly blow some pipe:

Oh sweet Jesus, that’s Drew Doughty being ravaged by that fuck machine:

Keep up with Hockeyhead on Facebook

Finally, someone has come out and implicated NHL players with the use of performance enhancing drugs.  Gary Bettman has always blatantly brushed off any questions involving the NHL and PED use for years (beer maybe, but nothing illegal).  He’s so confident in his claims, that he feels there is no need to test players in the post-season .

Think again Gary, you prick.  The players are bigger now than they ever were, they fight more, and how else can men over the age of 35 endure the hectic travel schedule and physical grind of the modern NHL?  Drugs, that’s how.  Don’t give us any shit about some tireless work ethic either.

The NHL was quick to respond to reports that two steroid dealers arrested in Florida who claim to have sold steroids to both the Washington Nationals and Washington Capitals.  Deputy Commissioner Bill Daly released a statement concerning the reports , stating that:

The Washington Capitals have no knowledge of any aspect of this allegation. Capitals players were subjected to no-notice testing five separate times over the past two seasons pursuant to the terms of the Collective Bargaining Agreement and there was no indication of any improper conduct or wrongdoing.”

Well of course the club has no knowledge of any aspects of the allegations, we’ve heard that before from baseball teams.  It’s not the team’s duty to know what their players may or may not be injecting into their asses in bathroom stalls.  Wake the fuck up and take this seriously.   I can’t think of any sport that openly embraces the side effects of ‘roid rage more openly than hockey.  That’s not a shot at the game either, I love the rough stuff and the scraps, but there’s room for an argument there.

The NHL has two options here: they can choose to face this head-on, even if that means outing some of their superstars as cheaters (there’s some pretty big names on the Caps) or, they can choose to continue being complete fucking idiots and deny that there is a problem.

Let’s be straight about this, I loved Craig MacTavish.  Serious hard man-crush going on there.

MacTavish never stopped demanding the most out of his players, he just lost the touch for actually getting it out of them.

Oilers’ fans felt a collective pecker-flutter today when it was announced that Pat Quinn and Tom Renney were named head coach and associate head coach.  The first thing I thought was how cool it would be for them to wear masks and create confusion throughout the game, so that they could fool their opponents and the referees in order to win.  Just like the Killer Bees.

From TSN today:

Sources tell TSN, both Quinn and Renney agreed to 3-year contracts with an unwritten understanding, assuming all parties remain employed at the end of their contracts, Renney will have an opportunity to take over as head coach if Quinn retires.  Kelly Buchberger, who was an assistant coach with the Oilers last season is remaining on the bench.”

Having Buchberger back is a good move, he’s a fucking lunatic.  No one on that team would get too far out of line with a guy crazy enough to wear an ugly bucket like that for his whole career.

Pat Quinn has had nothing but success since he dropped off the NHL head coaching map.  I don’t really give a shit about him though, he’s more there to ‘conduct’ and for the name value.  Renney is the money-shot in this group of dicks.  Coaching in New York, pfft, that’s just a test of mental stability. Renney was built for winning, nothing could have helped that expensive mess in New York.  Not even Sean Avery.

As for MacTavish, I know he’ll land on his feet somewhere.  It won’t be the same though.

The third goal of Malkin’s hat-trick is worth a second look of its own, but for now we’ll settle for a second glance at all three.

And now for some toughness:  Miroslav Satan gives Patrick Eaves a knuckle-sandwich.  Eaves was a Senator, that may explain his severe lack of testicular fortitude.

Maybe he’ll be able to see how much of a pussy he has become.  I’m kidding.  Great news that Danny Briere had successful eye surgery, now, if they could just find him a pair testicles.

It’s pretty impressive what you can find when you start scanning the web to see what a professional athlete looks like with no clothes on.

I’m guessing an athlete is supposed to look more Rod Brind’Amour than like a bag of milk.

Pierre McGuire sure has seen his share of nude athletes, and he doesn’t think Tim Thomas looks like an athlete when he’s buck naked.  I missed the most of the sound in last night’s Carolina-Boston game, but I have Hugging Harold Reynolds to thank for reminding me that McGuire is a bit of a perv:

“You see him without his clothes on, you say to yourself, there’s no way this guy’s a professional athlete. But, man oh man, he gets after it.”

Not terribly surprised by the Bruins’ ousting at the hand of the Hurricanes.  After knocking off the playoff team imposter Montreal Canadians they began to look a bit more ordinary, but still frighteningly tough as nails.

Penguins for the Cup baby, woot fuckin’ woot!

I’ll be brief here because to be honest, that wasn’t much of a game seven.  The power-house Penguins were too much for Washington’s bag-of-holes goaltending tandem from the opening faceoff.  Simeon VarLAMov’s glove hand makes Andrew Raycroft look like a Glenn Healy hockey card.

Sid the Kid remains dominant over the tank-top wearing greaseball Alex Ovechkin.  During the traditional post-series handshake it looked like Ovie and Sergei Gonchar had a little disagreement over that dirty knee-on-knee hit from earlier in the series.  It also appeared as though Crosby looked Ovie in the eye and didn’t have to say much.